Lost

I needed to learn how to start this. I should mention my name and introduce myself, but what if I do not want to tell people who I am? I have always feared failure, so I never took the initiative and started anything. I went through life doing what I should do, study, graduate, work, and get a salary. I have never tried to do what I love because I am simply too scared to love anything. I am too frightened to try and fail because, as a Virgo perfectionist, failure is not an option. You might think now that this means I have never failed in anything, but I have failed in everything.

I always thought it all started when I was 15, but I recently realized that my failure had begun earlier. It started when I was the bullied, chubby kid everyone made fun of. Because I was weak, I never defended myself; instead, I simply cried and blamed my parents for looking a certain way and not being pretty and acceptable. I started dieting at 11 years old because I never accepted myself. To this day, I have sheets of nutrition plans that I am following.

At 15 years old, I encountered love for the first time. Usually, this is when people experience happy feelings and butterflies. However, my butterflies did not give me happiness. They gave me sadness, self-doubt, and self-hatred. My first love experience was one-sided love. The guy I fell in love with had a specific type that was not me. He liked tall, skinny, model-like girls. At 15 years old, my butterflies caused my first eating disorder, Bulimia.

Things started worsening, but I will write a post for each story. I want to focus on the events that are happening now. I quit my job without securing another one, which is something very out of character for me. I also left to start exploring, and I have no solid plan. I started a makeup course and am still scared of failure.

I created this blog to allow me to write since I always loved writing but never dared to do it. I have a page of a book I have wanted to write for 8 years and never finished.

Maybe nothing I am doing now will work or make me money or fame. I just want to start doing things and sharing things with you. Stay tuned for more.